The option to stop; but the choice to keep going...

Okay, not exactly car related - but important! Very important! MENTAL HEALTH.

[Really, really annoyed. I finished this and then blogger had a glitch and deleted it all! So I've got to try and remember where this went...]

I've been ill with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis since I was 15, so 10 years now. It was tough to come to terms with falling ill, and then realising I'd never achieve my dream of joining the Armed Forces and making my military family proud. Meanwhile trying to comprehend what the hell was happening to me!!
Long story short, messed up my exams, ended up becoming bedbound/housebound, was put on a lot of medication, gained a lot of weight and had no idea what was going to happen to me all whilst other stressful situations arose within the family.
Fast forward 10 years and I'm still here... Well. Just.
I decided I wanted to essentially use this as a therapeutic thing along with I hope inspirational or motivational.
I've had times I've struggled mentally in the past, but of late. It's been the worst I've known. I won't divulge in descriptive terms or anything what happened as I don't want to potentially trigger someone who reads this.

Over the last 3 weeks, I have contemplated suicide. A lot. Fully on the edge, ready to go. I have marks on my body that I'm not proud of, but they show just how much I was struggling, and how I wasn't of sane mind.
I'm now under professionals for real help and advice on hopefully how not to feel this way.

I'm so used to hearing -
"you're always so happy"
"you're always smiling"
"you're always there for everyone"
"you always put others first"
"you have such a big heart"
"you are the most selfless person I know'
but, truth is I wasn't happy. I'm still not. I've been gradually deteriorating for a long long time but then I reached this dark hole, and just couldn't see any way out. Other than the ultimate escape. All I wanted was to rest. To not constantly feel like I'm stuck.

Having chronic pain isn't easy and people don't realise just how difficult it is to do even the smallest of tasks. Yet I'm here breaking my back following something I'm passionate about, and for what?! I've had no shoots, no paid work, no videos to do... NOTHING. I've loved this stuff since I was 3. Cars have always been my passion and love. But why should I bother when people who don't have a true passion for this stuff, who just want attention get to do all the good stuff?! I've nearly packed in skullsandsnaps multiple times in the last few weeks. Feeling like I'm failing.
Which leads me to discuss social media. Social media gives us such stress! It creates so many issues for us. Seeing others doing better and feeling we aren't good enough. Seeing how others are and believing it's how we should all be. It's horrible! It's a nightmare.
You can have those little glimmering moments of love and support and it's great. But it's not constant.

My mental health issues are different to others. Everyone is different. But we all have anxiety, worry, stress... we just need to understand each other better and help each other more.

My friends. Now, my friends, are the reason I'm still alive. They're more like my family considering I don't have any blood relatives around, except my Dad. I found myself one night, unrecognisable really... alone, hyperventilating, panicking, crying and shaking violently telling my Dad I was going to end my life. I couldn't do it. He told me to calm down and that this wasn't first time lately that I had called to discuss my goodbyes. He calmed me down and told me he was considering having me sectioned under the mental health act. The following day I was seeing my GP arranging help.
But as I was sat alone in my room, I thought about each one of my friends and their issues and their struggles.We all have our demons. We all have things to deal with. Be it, mental health issues, physical health issues, relationships, work, money, family etc... and I was like, why am I being so selfish to consider inflicting this pain on them of ending my life?! They don't need that stress. They've been so supportive and I can't fault them at all.
We're a unit, that support and love each other - where we can speak to each other about anything, whenever.
But I sat and remembered my Dad's best friend, aka my Uncle (not by blood) but he took his own life when I was 11. Even now, 14 years on when he's discussed I see the pain my Dad feels, and the guilt! The guilt he carries that he feels he wasn't there for him enough, he could of done more. It still tears him apart today. I couldn't leave this world before my Dad, I couldn't inflict that added guilt on him. It wouldn't be fair.

No matter how low we feel, we can't choose when to end our story. 
The semicolon - the option to stop; but the choice to keep on going. We have to forget the pressures of social media, and unrealistic expectations! We are all different. 

Some people are so lucky to become millionaires at 25, but are they lucky?! Are they truly happy cause they have millions?! Probably in luxuries and materialistic ways, yes. But I often think these millionaires are always surrounded by fake people who are trying to extort them. Do they have honest true friends that would be there if they lost it all tomorrow?!
It's all about perspective. I need to honestly take my own advice here! We can either...
Adapt to a situation,
Change a situation,
Work around a situation,
Leave a situation or grin and bear a situation until it's over!
Life is a major rollercoaster and I try to stop myself being a pessimist and thinking "Ooo one drop is over... let's just wait for the next one" - No. Just ride it out and enjoy it whilst it's fun!

I could probably write a whole book on this, but I shall stop now. Below are the UK and US numbers for some charities that help when you're feeling low/suicidal.  If you don't have a friend or family member to speak to, use these numbers. Someone somewhere cares! Appreciate what you do have and don't focus on what you don't have.

Much love
Skully x

Samaritans - 116 123
HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141National Suicide Prevention Lifeline US - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I like being a female in a man's world... but why do GIRLS make it so difficult?!

Hey hey!
So I wrote this a while ago and realised I had discussed this on my Instagram story the other day, so just gave it a refresh...

This blog could go one of two ways - it comes across as how I intend which is honest and truthful - from my perspective, however, the usual thing when I have discussed this with some people is I'm considered bitchy. I think I have written this quite well to make people understand it from my perspective.

Well, here goes...

Now I've never wanted a regular job. My dream job was to join the Armed Forces and work on vehicles, and up until I fell ill with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, that was the plan. At 15, it all fell apart.
I then never really considered what job I would do - at this point I was a carer for my Dad, my life wasn't exactly normal. To have such aspirations and thoughts of what career I could manage, with a severely ill Dad and with ill health myself. But after I lost him, I started in Social Media & Marketing, which I love!

Anyway - away from the thoughts of job/careers/being a real grown up - I grabbed a DSLR, set up social media and attended car events = voila! Combining my love of content creation and cars.

Now, all this social media, YouTube and photography stuff is not easy. It's SO competitive. 

There are so many amazing photographers out there, with each and every one trying to get noticed, it just isn't easy. 

Now this industry is... predominantly men, and on the odd occasion I've been noticed & chosen over the guys, it's instantly assumed it's cause of your sex as to why you were chosen. Not that you've been selected due to talent, skill, drive, determination or passion. But that's fine, it's to expected.

Guys make up the majority of my social media followers - which is no surprise, cause it's a male dominated industry after all.

But when I first started taking photos of cars, guys were shocked I was out and about doing the same thing they were. They hadn't seen a female wandering around Knightsbridge snapping the supercars. Then when they realised I wasn't some sort of alien, and we started to speak they soon found I was just as passionate about the same stuff as them.
I see all of this is changing now, and it's so cool! I get such amazing messages and support from my followers (males and minority of females) on my social media pages, saying that they admire my drive to stand out in a mans world, by just being me! Not being scared or intimidated and showing off my knowledge (sometimes more than what some of the guys know - love when that happens by the way!)

There's only one thing that annoys me, and it annoys every other genuine passionate female petrolhead I've met, and the true car guys... fake. car. girls.

This is where I will be considered bitchy and that's fine, we all have an opinion at the end of the day - but considering I've had people say things to me, that back my thoughts, feelings and opinions - I don't mind.

No.
I'm not skinny.
I don't have killer legs.
I don't take pics showing boobs or whatever, or proper cringe underwear shots, next to a bagged car or something.
That's fine. Like you do you girl. That's cool. If that's what you wanna do... go for it! But keep that away from being a "car girl."

I don't pursue my passion for attention. I pursue it cause I love it!!
It's in my blood. My Dad taught me all I know about fixing cars, how cars work, what model was what, how to identify cars by the rear lights in the dark from a distance - that kinda stuff.
I don't want to pretend I know this stuff to find a rich car collector boyfriend.
I don't pretend to love this stuff for attention.
I don't want to pretend I'm into this stuff to try and impress someone... I have no one to impress.

But unfortunately the internet is saturated with girls who do "love cars" with the above intentions. I've met a few of these female YouTubers and tried to converse in cars but funnily enough... they suddenly have to rush off?! Convenient.

When trying to compete in a male dominated industry is hard enough, you then have to compete in a superficial world too, which makes it all even harder.
People always say it's me being rude or bitchy but it's not. It's true, in my opinion.
I have people message me frequently asking why this person and that person are getting this gig when clearly (in their opinion) I know more or would be more suited... and I don't respond. If I was bitchy I'd say something rude about the people getting these opportunities in response to these DM's - but I don't. It's just how it goes.

I just find it hilarious when you watch these videos or see posts, and the girls clearly don't know what they're actually reciting, or they get the model of the car they're driving or describing wrong! It cracks me up every time - especially if it's on the manufacturers press day, even funnier.

Oh.
The absolute BEST thing - is where these girls clearly try and act like they don't know of me when we have crossed paths. Orrrrrrrr, where they act like they don't/haven't snooped on my IG and stories etc... when I clearly see they have ;) personal fave!

So yeah, guess I just wanted to vent and show this from my perspective, as a passionate, knowledgable female petrolhead.
Let me make this clear - I'm not bitter, I'm not bitchy. It's just a frustration, and an observation on an industry I would so much love to have a career in.

I get everyone has their jobs to do etc, but its the clear fake love of this stuff - that I literally kill myself for, or the ulterior motives that are just written all over some of these faces you see. But hey... I'm just here doing my thing and they can do theirs.

Anyway, I don't think that was bitchy.
I think I explained my point diplomatically and from my personal perspective. 

End of the day, I let my knowledge and passion speak for itself in my social media posts and YouTube videos, and if people can appreciate that - I'm very grateful, honestly.

Don't get me wrong, there are women in this industry I admire and look up to, whether they're racecar drivers, automotive journalists and road testers, leaders of race teams, analysts within motorsport, car sculptors etc. There are women I admire, but it's a minority unfortunately.
Times are constantly changing - and I guess it's just waiting for the change, where, women will be considered based on brains not beauty.

I know, one day I will be appreciated for the genuine passion, knowledge, love and obsession for cars and it will be rewarded with a cool career within automotive.

Until then, thank you for taking the time to listen to my rants - let me know what you think!

Skully x

London Motor Show - courtesy of Confused.com

I was kindly invited by confused.com to attend the London Motor Show, which this year was held at London's ExCel.

I hadn't previously attended the motor show but was intrigued to attend this year. 
Upon arrival, the screeching of tyres drifting in the hall, could be heard echoing through the entrance halls - which happened to be from a C63 AMG doing demo displays.

You walk in to find a very vibrant confused.com stand surrounded by the newest London Taxi's to the left, a beautiful classic Jaguar XJ220 on display with being detailed and a wild variety of cars on display in the rest of the hall.

Personal favourites were the 997 GT2RS, the array of Hummers, the Low rider, XJ220, Rennsport conversion Targa and as always the Liberty Walk cars look insane on display!

I had a lovely encounter with female CEO of Confused.com, Louise O'Shea. When asked about the show, myself and my friend Harry didn't hold back on being honest regarding our thoughts.
Whereas SEMA is known for crazy cars but is more of a trade show, and then you have Geneva which is about displaying manufacturers next releases - same for Chicago, Detroit or Frankfurt in fact. You then have Goodwood Festival of Speed which is just an insane display of classic cars, racecars, modern cars, supercars, hypercars and future cars. LMS kind of doesn't have an identity or anything as such. It's hard to distinguish what the aim is of the show. Is it a trade show? A display of classics? Do manufacturers intend on doing big future releases like back in the day when the show was at Earls Court?
You hear the older generation discussing how amazing LMS was back in the 70's and obviously with a slight hiatus here and there, things changed.
The current London Motor Show is good but just needs that added "oomph" to stand out.

But, the venue is MUCH better than being hosted at Battersea Park, that's for sure.

It was also interesting to have a chat with some of the staff from Confused.com regarding car insurance and how it all works etc. The staff were incredibly friendly and insightful. I'm hoping when it comes to renewal time on my M140i, we can make the figures work!

Many thanks confused.com for the tickets! YouTube now has my vlog and a few images can be found on my facebook page - found here

Skully x