One tough Fathers Day...

I was trying to think about how to write this...
Do I do this as an open letter to my Dad? Do I do this like a diary?
How do I do it?

Anyway, I'm not alone in finding Father's Day tough - many do! Whether their Dad's are no longer here with them, or whether their Dad's have never been around - it's tough!

I also wanna say Happy Fathers Day to the single mums. They should be acknowledged too.

This is my first Fathers Day without my Dad, I want to get this out the way now so on Fathers Day I can celebrate and remember my Dad - but also enjoy my day with my Boyfriend and his family.

My Dad was (and still is) my hero. He taught me right from wrong, he taught me to be myself, he taught me to act, he told me it was okay to be me and not always be girly, he was always so proud of me and I guess it's part of the reason I've allowed Skullsandsnaps to suffer a bit - he's not here to enjoy and celebrate this stuff with me anymore. I guess I also worry I won't do as much amazing stuff without him here, and I'll let him down. Hence why posts are less are less, and why I've kind of neglected it.
He was always the one to tell me to follow my dream with Car Photography or something related to it - like the videos etc - but he backed me on following that, and now with working it's not so easy. It's definitely not easy to find a sustainable photography job in the Automotive sector.

I've just started watching the singing videos I used to do with Dad in the car, and would share to Instagram and I am so glad that I shared those with the online world, because it allowed people to see how great he was. He couldn't often attend events towards the last year or 2 of his life but it meant a lot to have people constantly ask about him. I'm still overwhelmed at how much love and support we received after he passed away. People were so lovely!

There's people I wish my Dad could of met & there's people I'm SO glad my Dad did meet - especially having got to meet, and "approve" of my Boyfriend. (He was one tough guy to please!) Now a topic I've never really touched upon was the Mum thing, for many many years it was just my Dad raising me and my Sister. My Dad ALWAYS wanted me to reconcile with my Mum and me being as stubborn as I am, just kept saying no. With a messy history - I always refused. Until it was too late... February this year, everything got too much for me, I didn't like living alone at the house without Dad, I needed help. I swallowed my pride and asked Mum for help. We wrote off 10 years of no contact, apologised and resolved things in hours. She took me in. I hate that I was so stubborn to of not sorted this years ago - whilst Dad was still here.
[This is why I include my line at the top about single Mum's being celebrated on Fathers Day, we used to celebrate my Dad on Mothers Day in the years he raised us alone, and now we remember Dad and celebrate Mum for doing both]

I have soooo many stories and examples of how awesome my Dad was - but I'm not going to sit here and write them all out. I'm just simply going to say - if you're lucky enough to have your Dad still, call him, sit and talk to him, ask his opinion on stuff, take him out, go for a coffee, go for a drive... just enjoy that time together!

To those in the same position as me, with not having your Dad here with you physically to celebrate with - celebrate his memory! Remember the good times.

I think thats enough therapy writing for today - have a good weekend all.

Skully x

Real life, online life... coping with LIFE.

Hey hey!

So I thought I'd follow on from my Instagram story the other day, after it seemed to be so well received!
I had such beautiful messages of support - people saying thank you, people getting things off their chest, not feeling alone, just being reminded that life is more important than social media! It was incredibly overwhelming to receive so many lovely messages.
But it wasn't a sense of self satisfaction from having nice messages sent, it was just nice to know that people didn't feel alone, and that what I had said had helped some people to feel better and less stressed. That if there was stuff people had bottled up lately - they then felt from my post they could message me and discuss it.

For those that missed it, here is a brief summary of what was said -

+ DON'T TAKE SOCIAL MEDIA SO SERIOUSLY!

+ Appreciate the real people around you & spend time with them. 

+ Don't compare yourself to people on social media. It's not real! It's fake!
+ People live 2 lives, I know, I've essentially done it - the social media life and the real life.

+ Don't focus on the number of followers, the number of likes... it's irrelevant!

+ Don't worry about what someone else/other people are doing - JUST. DO. YOU.
+ Everyone is fighting a battle, sometimes just getting out of bed is enough! 

+ Check on the people around you! Ask how they are randomly, let the people around you know you are there for them, anytime, for anything! (We'll discuss this more later...)

Don't worry about the number of followers you have, don't worry about the number of likes you get, don't worry about who is posting what, where etc... we're all guilty of comparing ourselves to others! When we shouldn't!
We all panic that we don't appear to be achieving the same epic stuff we see others doing on Instagram.
I'm guilty in the past of feeling incredibly, low and depressed from seeing some amazing things people have been doing with cars, and feeling like I'm a real under achiever, like I'm not enough, like a failure!
But we all have different opportunities, some earn them, some use who they know rather than what they know, some get lucky, some work incredibly bloody hard! We just can't judge ourselves on other people, because we just don't know.
It's times like that I find I have to step away from social media, before it sucks me in and I feel this horrendous anxiety and panic come over me. Which is silly! It's an app, it's a made up world online essentially. But in times like that, where you feel that low and that consumed in this dark pit of feeling inadequate online - you don't think HOLD UP!!! WHY YOU BEING SILLY?! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE ACHIEVED *insert personal list here* but for me, I've been to Sweden and was the first to shoot the Koenigsegg Regera, I've had a 3 page feature of my Oakley Veyron images in Fast Car magazine, I've driven a Porsche 918, I've shot events in Dubai, I've been to SEMA - but away from cars, I've tackled being bedbound with M.E when I was 16, I battle daily with Fibromyalgia and M.E, I've been a carer for my Dad etc. My point is, there is a lot we can all sit and list personally that we've achieved.

I really do worry about social media and peoples mental welfare. The amount of pressure out there is INSANE!
The pressure to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to achieve everything by what seems like tomorrow, or else you're a failure... It's awful. Things don't just happen overnight! We are all different. We all have our own paths to take. We all have our own journeys. We all have our own battles to tackle.
This is why I said on IG the other day that sometimes, just getting out of bed for some is a win! Because sometimes it is, for some people - if you're battling a mental health condition, just getting out of bed can be a massive achievement. Just as if you have a physical condition and are fortunate enough to be able to get out of bed! It's something you achieved, and it's brilliant.

People are SO judgemental and critical these days, which adds to the pressure of life. I will never understand the people who go out of their way to antagonise someone, or insult, critique, or slate someone purely because they have a personal vendetta against them and usually with no cause, no rhyme or reason!

Just remember to step away from social media now and again, appreciate the people around you. Especially parents and grandparents - because TRUST ME, when they're no longer around, you wish you'd spent every moment possible with them!
But don't forget your friends too, don't just use social media to stay in touch - go and meet up, have a coffee, a meal etc. No phones, sit and communicate. Check on them! Ask if they're okay, ask if they need help or support with anything, LISTEN...
All too often these days we hear about suicide and people not coping, which is truly tragic! It's usually the ones who appear to be larger than life, the ones who seem to check on everyone else - but does anyone ever check on them?!
I've been plunged into those depths, considering the "easy way out" - admittedly, not purely due to social media, but it can definitely add to the negativity in your mind and just make you feel like you're drowning.
If it wasn't for my incredible support network around me, I wouldn't of survived last year. So a massive thank you to my boyfriend, my sister, my best friends, my Mum, and the family at CGO who kept me going. With these guys amazing support, I managed to move house, get a job, resolve old family issues and actually grieve the loss of my Dad (rather than bottle it up!!!) essentially flipping my life round in two weeks!

But just remember to check in on those around you, sometimes it's hard for people to admit they aren't coping but let them know you are there for them, always!

On that note, if anyone ever needs a chat - just drop me a DM. No judgement. No criticism. Just a place to speak if you need it.

Take care

Skully x

The option to stop; but the choice to keep going...

Okay, not exactly car related - but important! Very important! MENTAL HEALTH.

[Really, really annoyed. I finished this and then blogger had a glitch and deleted it all! So I've got to try and remember where this went...]

I've been ill with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis since I was 15, so 10 years now. It was tough to come to terms with falling ill, and then realising I'd never achieve my dream of joining the Armed Forces and making my military family proud. Meanwhile trying to comprehend what the hell was happening to me!!
Long story short, messed up my exams, ended up becoming bedbound/housebound, was put on a lot of medication, gained a lot of weight and had no idea what was going to happen to me all whilst other stressful situations arose within the family.
Fast forward 10 years and I'm still here... Well. Just.
I decided I wanted to essentially use this as a therapeutic thing along with I hope inspirational or motivational.
I've had times I've struggled mentally in the past, but of late. It's been the worst I've known. I won't divulge in descriptive terms or anything what happened as I don't want to potentially trigger someone who reads this.

Over the last 3 weeks, I have contemplated suicide. A lot. Fully on the edge, ready to go. I have marks on my body that I'm not proud of, but they show just how much I was struggling, and how I wasn't of sane mind.
I'm now under professionals for real help and advice on hopefully how not to feel this way.

I'm so used to hearing -
"you're always so happy"
"you're always smiling"
"you're always there for everyone"
"you always put others first"
"you have such a big heart"
"you are the most selfless person I know'
but, truth is I wasn't happy. I'm still not. I've been gradually deteriorating for a long long time but then I reached this dark hole, and just couldn't see any way out. Other than the ultimate escape. All I wanted was to rest. To not constantly feel like I'm stuck.

Having chronic pain isn't easy and people don't realise just how difficult it is to do even the smallest of tasks. Yet I'm here breaking my back following something I'm passionate about, and for what?! I've had no shoots, no paid work, no videos to do... NOTHING. I've loved this stuff since I was 3. Cars have always been my passion and love. But why should I bother when people who don't have a true passion for this stuff, who just want attention get to do all the good stuff?! I've nearly packed in skullsandsnaps multiple times in the last few weeks. Feeling like I'm failing.
Which leads me to discuss social media. Social media gives us such stress! It creates so many issues for us. Seeing others doing better and feeling we aren't good enough. Seeing how others are and believing it's how we should all be. It's horrible! It's a nightmare.
You can have those little glimmering moments of love and support and it's great. But it's not constant.

My mental health issues are different to others. Everyone is different. But we all have anxiety, worry, stress... we just need to understand each other better and help each other more.

My friends. Now, my friends, are the reason I'm still alive. They're more like my family considering I don't have any blood relatives around, except my Dad. I found myself one night, unrecognisable really... alone, hyperventilating, panicking, crying and shaking violently telling my Dad I was going to end my life. I couldn't do it. He told me to calm down and that this wasn't first time lately that I had called to discuss my goodbyes. He calmed me down and told me he was considering having me sectioned under the mental health act. The following day I was seeing my GP arranging help.
But as I was sat alone in my room, I thought about each one of my friends and their issues and their struggles.We all have our demons. We all have things to deal with. Be it, mental health issues, physical health issues, relationships, work, money, family etc... and I was like, why am I being so selfish to consider inflicting this pain on them of ending my life?! They don't need that stress. They've been so supportive and I can't fault them at all.
We're a unit, that support and love each other - where we can speak to each other about anything, whenever.
But I sat and remembered my Dad's best friend, aka my Uncle (not by blood) but he took his own life when I was 11. Even now, 14 years on when he's discussed I see the pain my Dad feels, and the guilt! The guilt he carries that he feels he wasn't there for him enough, he could of done more. It still tears him apart today. I couldn't leave this world before my Dad, I couldn't inflict that added guilt on him. It wouldn't be fair.

No matter how low we feel, we can't choose when to end our story. 
The semicolon - the option to stop; but the choice to keep on going. We have to forget the pressures of social media, and unrealistic expectations! We are all different. 

Some people are so lucky to become millionaires at 25, but are they lucky?! Are they truly happy cause they have millions?! Probably in luxuries and materialistic ways, yes. But I often think these millionaires are always surrounded by fake people who are trying to extort them. Do they have honest true friends that would be there if they lost it all tomorrow?!
It's all about perspective. I need to honestly take my own advice here! We can either...
Adapt to a situation,
Change a situation,
Work around a situation,
Leave a situation or grin and bear a situation until it's over!
Life is a major rollercoaster and I try to stop myself being a pessimist and thinking "Ooo one drop is over... let's just wait for the next one" - No. Just ride it out and enjoy it whilst it's fun!

I could probably write a whole book on this, but I shall stop now. Below are the UK and US numbers for some charities that help when you're feeling low/suicidal.  If you don't have a friend or family member to speak to, use these numbers. Someone somewhere cares! Appreciate what you do have and don't focus on what you don't have.

Much love
Skully x

Samaritans - 116 123
HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141National Suicide Prevention Lifeline US - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)