The option to stop; but the choice to keep going...

Okay, not exactly car related - but important! Very important! MENTAL HEALTH.

[Really, really annoyed. I finished this and then blogger had a glitch and deleted it all! So I've got to try and remember where this went...]

I've been ill with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis since I was 15, so 10 years now. It was tough to come to terms with falling ill, and then realising I'd never achieve my dream of joining the Armed Forces and making my military family proud. Meanwhile trying to comprehend what the hell was happening to me!!
Long story short, messed up my exams, ended up becoming bedbound/housebound, was put on a lot of medication, gained a lot of weight and had no idea what was going to happen to me all whilst other stressful situations arose within the family.
Fast forward 10 years and I'm still here... Well. Just.
I decided I wanted to essentially use this as a therapeutic thing along with I hope inspirational or motivational.
I've had times I've struggled mentally in the past, but of late. It's been the worst I've known. I won't divulge in descriptive terms or anything what happened as I don't want to potentially trigger someone who reads this.

Over the last 3 weeks, I have contemplated suicide. A lot. Fully on the edge, ready to go. I have marks on my body that I'm not proud of, but they show just how much I was struggling, and how I wasn't of sane mind.
I'm now under professionals for real help and advice on hopefully how not to feel this way.

I'm so used to hearing -
"you're always so happy"
"you're always smiling"
"you're always there for everyone"
"you always put others first"
"you have such a big heart"
"you are the most selfless person I know'
but, truth is I wasn't happy. I'm still not. I've been gradually deteriorating for a long long time but then I reached this dark hole, and just couldn't see any way out. Other than the ultimate escape. All I wanted was to rest. To not constantly feel like I'm stuck.

Having chronic pain isn't easy and people don't realise just how difficult it is to do even the smallest of tasks. Yet I'm here breaking my back following something I'm passionate about, and for what?! I've had no shoots, no paid work, no videos to do... NOTHING. I've loved this stuff since I was 3. Cars have always been my passion and love. But why should I bother when people who don't have a true passion for this stuff, who just want attention get to do all the good stuff?! I've nearly packed in skullsandsnaps multiple times in the last few weeks. Feeling like I'm failing.
Which leads me to discuss social media. Social media gives us such stress! It creates so many issues for us. Seeing others doing better and feeling we aren't good enough. Seeing how others are and believing it's how we should all be. It's horrible! It's a nightmare.
You can have those little glimmering moments of love and support and it's great. But it's not constant.

My mental health issues are different to others. Everyone is different. But we all have anxiety, worry, stress... we just need to understand each other better and help each other more.

My friends. Now, my friends, are the reason I'm still alive. They're more like my family considering I don't have any blood relatives around, except my Dad. I found myself one night, unrecognisable really... alone, hyperventilating, panicking, crying and shaking violently telling my Dad I was going to end my life. I couldn't do it. He told me to calm down and that this wasn't first time lately that I had called to discuss my goodbyes. He calmed me down and told me he was considering having me sectioned under the mental health act. The following day I was seeing my GP arranging help.
But as I was sat alone in my room, I thought about each one of my friends and their issues and their struggles.We all have our demons. We all have things to deal with. Be it, mental health issues, physical health issues, relationships, work, money, family etc... and I was like, why am I being so selfish to consider inflicting this pain on them of ending my life?! They don't need that stress. They've been so supportive and I can't fault them at all.
We're a unit, that support and love each other - where we can speak to each other about anything, whenever.
But I sat and remembered my Dad's best friend, aka my Uncle (not by blood) but he took his own life when I was 11. Even now, 14 years on when he's discussed I see the pain my Dad feels, and the guilt! The guilt he carries that he feels he wasn't there for him enough, he could of done more. It still tears him apart today. I couldn't leave this world before my Dad, I couldn't inflict that added guilt on him. It wouldn't be fair.

No matter how low we feel, we can't choose when to end our story. 
The semicolon - the option to stop; but the choice to keep on going. We have to forget the pressures of social media, and unrealistic expectations! We are all different. 

Some people are so lucky to become millionaires at 25, but are they lucky?! Are they truly happy cause they have millions?! Probably in luxuries and materialistic ways, yes. But I often think these millionaires are always surrounded by fake people who are trying to extort them. Do they have honest true friends that would be there if they lost it all tomorrow?!
It's all about perspective. I need to honestly take my own advice here! We can either...
Adapt to a situation,
Change a situation,
Work around a situation,
Leave a situation or grin and bear a situation until it's over!
Life is a major rollercoaster and I try to stop myself being a pessimist and thinking "Ooo one drop is over... let's just wait for the next one" - No. Just ride it out and enjoy it whilst it's fun!

I could probably write a whole book on this, but I shall stop now. Below are the UK and US numbers for some charities that help when you're feeling low/suicidal.  If you don't have a friend or family member to speak to, use these numbers. Someone somewhere cares! Appreciate what you do have and don't focus on what you don't have.

Much love
Skully x

Samaritans - 116 123
HopeLine UK – 0800 068 4141National Suicide Prevention Lifeline US - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)